I can't phu*cking aim (A Phighting SI) - Chapter 27 - Vauschen (2024)

Chapter Text

[Medkit]

He didn't believe Boombox and Skateboard when they started rambling on about some sort of "ghost" taking over their bodies during the last Phight. In his medical opinion, hallucinations are very much possible during a concussion, and those two are definitely the most reckless of the bunch he had to heal.

"Honestly, do youreally believe ghosts exist? Even if we do have a sword literally named 'Ghostwalker', I doubt any specters would want to take over reckless fools such as you lot." He squinted towards some of the cuts and bruises Skateboard sported after the last match- they still had two more matches for the day in the dodgeball stadium.

"No, you gotta believe us, doc!" The helmeted demon pulled Boombox closer, and he nodded. "Bruh... it was totally not cool when it happened... so creepy."

Medkit scoffs and rolls his eyes. "And you think this ghost is going to start possessing the other Phighters, too. Right?" He says sarcastically, and the two nodded frantically.

He groaned. "Fine. If it bothers you two so much, then I'll take a break from following Sword around and keep an eye on you two. Alright?" They exhale, relieved.

"Yeah! And if anyone starts acting strangely-" Boombox cuts Skateboard off. "Like, not talking a lot, missing too many shots, looking kinda blank- it's probably the ghost controlling them!"

Medkit grumbles and checks his revolver, finding it in decent condition for the next round of the Phight. "Yes, alright."As if I'd believe such a frivolous claim.There was the familiar feeling of being teleported to the starting points, and Medkit readied himself at the countdown.

A feeling of stiffness suddenly overwhelmed his body, starting from the back of his neck. His eye snapped open in surprise, and he looks over to Boombox and Skateboard, who look expectantly towards him. Boombox sees the confusion in Medkit's expression and gets downright terrified, his visor glitching a bit.

"Oh no, it's happening to-" Dom started the match before he could get a word in, and Medkit got kicked from the gut. Or at least, that's what it felt like to him.

He blearily opened his eye to see his own body stumble a bit, and then rush into the battlefield behind everyone else. Medkit began yelling. "WHAT- Boombox! Skateboard! What is this nonsense-!"

He sees the two try to stay around him at all times, their eyes flicking from the completely-focused body (which seemed intent on healing anyone it could messily) and the empty air around it. The healer sees Skateboard lock eyes with him for a second before turning away to look at more empty space, and he realizes- they're trying to look for the real him.

So this is what astral projection feels like... He feels scared, sure- but judging from how Skateboard and Boombox were still themselves instead of autonomous husks, Medkit reckons that he'd be fine, and that his body would be returned at the end of the round.

"Now- to see how that their is doing with my body..." He turns back to the controlled 'Medkit' body, and- oh gods, the two weren't lying about the fake's aim being atrocious.

Medkit winced, seeing his arm erratically shake and miss Katana, who was literally running toward him at point-blank range. A few seconds later, Medkit sees the impostor respawn with his body and immediately get to healing and attacking again.

What was decidedly terrifying was that- yes, the impostor was bad at aim, it was terrible at healing- but there was someintelligence there. It seemed to be limited in how it could control his body like a puppet- but it still knew how to flank enemies, it knew how to stick to groups and heal his teammates with his rejuvenation ring ability.

Sosomeone was behind this. And that meant he could find a solution- if his other teammates got possessed, it would impact their performance and mess with their earnings, no matter how the 'ghost' performed.

I would be fine if Subspace managed to go through this experience, then. Medkit gave a small smirk, looking down at his body as it got thrown to the side by an attack.Let's hope that whatever is possessing me is more terrible at possessing him.

[Ollie]

"Aw, f*ck!" Ten deaths, two kills, no assists. This sucks balls. Ollie leaned back, watching as the synchronized match ended and she saw her stats. At least I got 1K Bux for this...

The Phighting matches were great supplementary income to her already decent job. Whenever there were no customers or work to be done in BOGGIO Skate Shop, she booted up her PC and checked if a match was going on. The Phights fell on most of her work days, so she could rack in money during the few times she was freeand the time synced up.

"What'cha doing, Pan?" Her coworker asked, leaning foward. He definitely couldn't see the content of her screen, else he'd be freaked out and having an existential crisis. Luckily, Ollie knew that it only appeared as a black screen to him.

"Nothin' much. Just playing a game to pass the time." Ollie yawns. "I just lost badly."

"Ah, yeah. That sucks, man." 8-Bit slung his bag over his shoulder, looking at the clock. "The shift's over, dude! I'm gonna go head home."

"Sure, fine by me. See you tomorrow, dude." Ollie minimizes her tab and goes out of her workplace, humming. But instead of going home, she takes a turn towards a public restroom and checks to see if there's any witnesses.

Nobody's here- good. She goes into a stall, opens up Roblox again, and this time goes to toggle her avatar. And poof- 'she' was suddenly a lot more different-looking than before.

Ollie switched over to her Phighting OC avatar, the one she had before her death- Ushanka. Yes, it was corny- she made the guy stereotypically Russian, named him after his hat, and made him buff and tall - it was all for the immersion, okay?! He looks completely cool and edgy!

"Testing- one two three, one two three." She spoke again, this time changing her voice to be more of a deep rumble. "Testing." She flexed her thicker claws, and sat up from the toilet- oh gods, she made himwaytoo tall. The guy was 6'0 without his horns, and 7'0 with them- she'd stick out like a sore thumb!

But... isn't that what I want? To have an alter ego that's completely different, one that catches everyone's attention? She- He hums, testing out his 'Azure Mines Pickaxe' gear. Ollie Ushanka even pulls out Google translate, double-checking his preparations.

"Kind of funny, to see me like this, da?" He snickers at his own faux Russian accent, recording it and playing it again. "Sounds convincing to me- time to show these слабаки (weaklings) why Blackrock is the best."

Let's get in character, and do some epic roleplaying! He walks out of the restroom, ducking under the doorframe to account for his massive white horns.

There wasn't many demons out and about at dusk, most of them just taking walks to relax or just getting back from work as well- but Ollie's 'Ushanka' persona drew so much attention, more than she was expecting. Immediately, he made himself the center of attention with that confident stride Ollie had practiced in the mirror at her apartment.

"Who'sthat? I haven't seen them before..."

"Gods, that's a nice pair of horns! I wish mine were like that..." One passerby held a hand to their own pronged horns, checking them out and comparing them. "It's like- huge!"

"He's- how is he that tall?!"

Ushanka choked at that comment, covering it up as a cough. That sounds way too familiar... I think I read too much smut when I was alive. Good to know that horn size definitely followed the rule of 'bigger is better'."

The tall, white-horned demon heard a few more jealous whispers. "Tch- he probably paints his horns. Nobody is that lucky in Blackrock to blend in with snow perfectly..."

More cultural stuff, I suppose. Nice to know that I'm the ideal demon for some of them... She turns to Slingshot's cafe, wondering if she should risk getting discovered if she f*cks up.

... Nah, it's funny. Imma go in.

[Vine Staff]

She and Shuriken were busy working during the closing shift of Slingshot's cafe, cleaning up the tables. There were a few customers here and there, definitely tired workers from nearby shops.

"Sis, nothing's interesting, it's allboooring..." Shuriken groaned, kicking up his feet and fiddling with his gear. "It's all boring business guys and tired workers! When is Boombox gonna come in here or something?"

"Shuri, Boombox has a match today. And I think he's way too far to go here without Slingshot closing first..." She hums, serving another hot coffee to someone else.

Just as she was about to go back to Slingshot for another order, the bell rings. Vine Staff turns around with a smile, her eyes closed. "Hi! What can I get for you at Slingshot's Cat Cafe?"

"Mmh. What would you recommend, мэм (ma'am)?" Her eyes fly open at the deep voice.

In front of her is thehandsomest demon she's ever seen. The stranger was around Ban Hammer's height and built like a brick wall, dear gods, and he had two massive curved horns that were marble-white. Everything about him screamed 'Blackrock', from the fluffy hat on his head to the thick woolen sweater he was wearing.

The small crowd in the cafe was also staring at the customer, their mouths agape. Shuriken and Slingshot were just as quiet and nervous.

"I- um- дрисня (sh*t). Did I say something wrong in Common?" The- the menu?" Vine Staff squeaked at his deep voice, and Slingshot nearly fainted.

"U-um- no, you said it perfectly fine, sir. The menu's up top." Slingshot pointed to it, and the guy craned his head up to look.Gods, WHY is this demon so big, is he like a demigod or something?!

"I would like- straw- strawbeeery? Strawberry. Mocha Fra- I cannot pronounce that word." The massive guy looked sheepish at that- shy, even. It completely contradicted his intimidating and untouchable appearance. "Yes, that. I pay."

The giant takes out a wallet and begins rummaging through it, slapping down fifteen dollars. "Keep the change. You looked stressed, da?"

Slingshot took the money, and stumbled back into the kitchen. Shuriken blinked, and then hissed at his sister when he was sure they were out of earshot. "SFOTH that guy is big, i couldn't even look him in the eye- sis?"

Vine Staff was a blushing mess, similar to Slingshot. Shuriken must have realized this, because his little-brother instincts immediately kicked in. "Oh no you don't! You're not gonna gonear that guy if you're thinking what I'm thinking!"

"Ugh- Shuri- get off! It's not like that." Vine Staff huffs.I'm pretty sure he's too old for me. Gross.

"Fine! But if I have to see you making goo-goo eyes at the customer, I'm gonna tell him!" The pink-horned healer shoots up in a panic. "No! Don't you dare!"

[Ollie]

Ushanka blinked as he heard them banter, letting out a little chuckle.How amusing... did Vine Staff develop a little crush on me? I'm not romantically interested in anyone though...

Ollie wasn't that kind of simp for the Phighting characters, even when she was sure Vine Staff would make a cute body pillow. It was completely platonic- no romance here, no siree.

"Oy! I can hear you two from here!" He yells, and the siblings freeze, Vine Staff turning red in embarrasment. "I- no, I can explain, sir-"

"No need. While I am- happy? That you find me attractive, I am very much not looking for romance now. Too much after..." Ushanka pauses, acting out his supposed 'tragic backstory' Ollie planned. "Things. But I hope you find someone!"

The other customers seemed to wilt visibly at Ushanka's answer, and he internally sweat-dropped.Was I really that good-looking? Now know what it's like to be a supermodel and not a fat*ss, I suppose...

He hears Shuriken scoff and roll his eyes. "Yeah right, old guy! As if you had a shot with my sister in the first place!" Ushanka blinked. Shuriken continues. "You look like you were a damn solider from the war!"

Ushanka blinked, and he decided to play it safe with his age and use Ollie's age at the moment. "War? I was born after the war."

"Eh?" Shuriken turns to the white-horned demon, and the patrons were also similarly befuddled. "Then how old are you?"

"Nineteen isn't that old, is it?" He asked. There were collective spit-takes, coughs and 'what the f*cks' around the coffee shop. Slingshot himself nearly tripped and spilled his Strawberry Mocha Frappe, and Ushanka had to help him up.

"You're THAT young?!" Shuriken screeched, and Vine Staff's mind kind of blanked out at the thought of such a behemoth beingyounger than her little brother.

Ushanka acted as nonchalant as possible as he internally cackled at their confusion. "Not a big deal, its just luck." Shuriken screeched some more in indignation. "Whyyyy do you get to be tall! I want to be tall!"

Ushanka had to stifle a small giggle, his expression fond. "Little baby man is upset at his height. No worry, big brother Ushanka is here to help you reach cabinet!"

"DON'T CALL ME A LITTLE BABY MAN! I'M OLDER THAN YOU!"

[Biograft]

Biograft: Civilian Model Zeta, ID#8008 was the oddest Biograft around.

They had gained sentience when their owner roommate, designation 'Frying Pan', stood up for them and treated them like a person. They liked breakcore music and roller-skating, and they shared their house-cleaning duties with Pan.

She had asked them to call her "Ollie" in private, trusting them with that secret name. They didn't know why a demon like her would have such an abnormal name, but Frying Pan was an abnormal demon, as plain as she looked.

That was not even mentioning the things she did, like spend time on her laptop during Phights and giggle at a black screen...

One day, after she had come home from work too tired to think straight, Biograft had helped her stumble up the apartment stairs and get to her bedroom.

"I- gh. Lots of orders to move into the shop today. I was working all noon, and got a headache from the sun..." She rambled, delirious. "I'm gonna throw a pie at it. Beat Illumina up so he can turn off the sun for a day."

"I AM UNCERTAIN IF ILLUMINA IS ABLE TO DO SUCH A FEAT, OLLIE." Biograft entertains her, ruffling her head. "YOU NEED TO REST."

"I do. I want to." She moans, exhausted. "But I wanna do something too... sleeping is boring..." Biograft scoffs, and they gently pat her on the head. "THEN PERHAPS YOU SHOULD LAY DOWN, AND TALK. NO PHYSICAL ACTIVITY."

"Fine." She pouts, crossing her arms and blinking tiredly. Frying Pan (or was it Ollie? Their designation was private, and this was home, was it not?) buried her head in the pillows.

There was a few minutes of silence, as Biograft charged next to them in low-power mode. They promised to protect her, and they would.

They could feel their roommate's chest rise up and down, their audio detectors hearing her breathe in a steady way. Ollie was still awake, despite all their efforts to help her sleep.

"... Biograft?" Her voice was smaller, less energetic. "Can I tell you a secret?" It felt like she was about to lay herself bare.

"... I DO NOT KNOW. WHILE I RECOMMENDED TALKING... A BIOGRAFT LIKE ME HAS MULTIPLE SECURITY ISSUES IF I AM HACKED OR BROKEN." They stated, completely honest. "I- CANNOT BE TRUSTED WITH BIG SECRETS."

Ollie's expression softened to that familiar fondness they always saw from the small, hidden cameras on their back. "Biograft..."

"WHAT I SAY IS THE TRUTH, OLLIE. LET ME PROTECT YOU."

"Biograft, I- as much as I like the sentiment, I don'tneed to be protected. I need to protectyou." She gently raises their hand and traces their claws, as if gauging how delicate they were compared to other Biografts.

There was a slight sense of indignation at that- Biograft was cut from the same cloth as the others, he could hold out well on his own. But they understood it was more out of care than out of malice or mocking comparison.

"This secret- while it's something you cannever tell to anyone unless I already reveal it to them- I am fine with it being leaked accidentally if youare hurt." She has a look of grim determination on her face that they didn't expect to see on a soft individual like her.

"Because you won't be. You're under my protection as much as I am under yours- and I am much more versatile than I look."

She closed the curtains of their apartment, and checked the locked door. Biograft watched as she pulled them into the closet, keeping her laptop tucked under her arm.

"I- I DOUBT YOU ARE THAT POWERFUL, OLLIE. BECAUSE YOU DO NOT LOOK LIKE MUCH." They whirred in protest, clearly worried about whatever secret was getting out. Because if Ollie was taking these many steps to prevent anyone from overhearing...

"I will do it anyways. I trust you, old friend. More than anyone else." She opens her laptop. "What is your opinion on the world being a virtual simulation?"

"OLLIE, THAT IS AN ODDLY UNRELATED QUESTION. BUT THE THOUGHT..." Biograft shrugs, sitting down on the closet floor with her. "IT WON'T BOTHER ME TOO MUCH. I MYSELF AM ALREADY A SIMULATION, IN A SENSE. CODE GIVEN A BODY."

"Hm. That'll make things easier to explain to you- and you won't freak out as much." Ollie lifts up her laptop. "In that case... I don't come from this world. I wasn't originally a demon- I was a completely different sapient species that learned about this world through a video game."

"... WHAT." Biograft was confused, tilting their head. "I DON'T FOLLOW."

"Okay- I'll break it down. I died- and was reincarnated as a demon." She holds up one finger.

"I was sent to this world." She holds up another. "And I knew about the factions, about the rough outline of it from an incomplete video game about the Phighters."

"... PREPOSTEROUS. BUT... IT MAKES SENSE." Biograft lowered their volume, similar to a whisper. "IT EXPLAINS WHY YOU HAD NO KNOWLEDGE OF SOME SOCIAL CUSTOMS, BUT CAN INTERACT WITH THE PHIGHTERS DECENTLY WELL. DID YOU... PLAN IT OUT?"

"Meeting with the Phighters? ... Not entirely. Fate just seems to like throwing me in interesting situations." She explains.

"Anyways, that's not the big secret I wanted to tell you about. It's part of it, but it's not the whole thing." She furrows her lips. "I- am able to access the platform the game based on your reality is from. Roblox."

"... ODD. NOW THAT I THINK OF IT... THAT BRAND NAME HAS BEEN POPULAR, DESPITE IT'S NONSENSICAL ORIGINS."

"Yeah, guess that explains it. And- with the platform... I'm able to change my in-game avatar for multiplayer games. Thing is... it can change my appearance in real life, too."

She pauses. "This is essentially shapeshifting, Biograft. I bought a ton of accessories, and- I just wanted to show you this power."

"CARRY ON, THEN. SHOW ME." They readied themselves, thinking the changes wouldn't be that huge to her appearance. "I WON'T BE PERTURBED."

"If you say so..." There's apoof of comical smoke, and then- "INTRUDER!"

"Woah woah woah-!" Biograft stalls at the familiar voice coming from a completely different appearance. The demon in front of him was completely white, from his horns to his skin. He was definitely as tall as a sword with his height- mostly due to the foot-long horns majestically sprouting from his head.

Ollie calms down, and breathes in a sigh. "Yeah. It's- different. This is my alter ego- Ushanka." 'Ushanka' looked indistinguishable from the ideal average Blackrock citizen- tall, muscular, and intimidating. "I've tested this form out in public in Crossroads a few times... even walked to Blackrock and dipped into the territory a bit."

"I CAN SEE WHY." Biograft lowered their gear, awed at her... his? His new form. "DO YOU... CHANGE DESIGNATED PRONOUNS?"

"Only when I'm in this form, yes." Even Ollie's voice shifted to match the typical Blackrock accent, rough and low. "I've got a few more designated identities I haven't tried out yet- most of them are meant for backups just in case I get caught and have to run."

Ollie poofs back into her normal appearance, and Biograft decided he was more fond of the small, plump form of his roommate. Much more familiar... though he would also have to register her 'Ushanka' form as her alternate identity.

"Now- this alone has major implications. I could be a criminal and abuse this power- I could even impersonate the Phighters themselves." The smaller demon said gravely. "This alone is overpowered. But- I have more."

"YOU HAVE MORE?" Biograft muses. "I SUPPOSE, and I HOPE IT ISN'T TOO MIND-SHATTERING?"

"Unfortunately, no." Ollie hums, and Biograft lets out a choke as she pulls out- Ban Hammer's own gear. The massive purple-and-black gavel thudded to the ground, and she picks it up with a grunt.

"YOU CAN... CALL UPON THE PHIGHTER'S GEARS AND ABILITIES. OKAY." Biograft swears their circuits were straining, and that somehow they were getting stressed. Ollie corrected him. "That, and I can control them using the game interface during televised matches."

Biograft makes a noise similar to a dial-up modem and their gears stutter. "WHAT."

"Yeah, that's why some of them sucked ass the last few rounds. I've been getting money to buy my cosmetics by hijacking their bodies and playing as them."

"I CANNOT BELIEVE- OLLIE." Biograft grabs her by the shoulders, shaking her. "YOU ARE GOING TODIE ONCE THEY FIGURE OUT WHAT YOU'VE BEEN DOING."

"Nah, I know. Lmao." The sentient robot suddenly learned what it was like for a biological demon to have a stress-induced aneurism. "DO NOT 'L-M-A-O' ME. I AM SERIOUS, OLLIE."

"But- I can protect you doing this. I told you I was strong enough to protect you the same way you protect me." She gives a sly smile. "And besides, these gears and powers are free to access for me. It may cost a lot, but I've got better gears that would make a gear-launderer sweat in fear."

Biograft paused, loading the implications. "DO NOT TELL ME YOU CAN OBTAIN ANY GEAR IN EXISTENCE."

"Then I won't." She says with a smirk, and Biograft begins sparking out with electricity and nervousness as she pulls out not one buttwo light-emitting swords that they've only known about in their coding and from pictures.

"IS THAT ILLUMINA'S GEAR?!?!"

"Two of them, actually! And also have Venomshank's and Firebrand's- they're pretty cheap compared to Dearkheart-"

"IT'S CHEAP?!"

I can't phu*cking aim (A Phighting SI) - Chapter 27 - Vauschen (1)

I can't phu*cking aim (A Phighting SI) - Chapter 27 - Vauschen (2024)
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